I’m a very private person. You might not guess that based on my blogging and previous social media sharing. But it’s true! Vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me. I can craft perfectly measured words. Yes. But I don’t normally share the inner depths of my soul. Because there are just some things that are better kept within.
But this story is meant to be shared. This post has been imprinted on my heart for almost a year…but I have held it closely. Turned the words over and over in my mind. I have searched the scriptures. Prayed. Discussed with close friends. And weighed my motives.
And now it’s time.
It’s time to share the details about how I turned back to Jesus ALONE after 7 years of pursuing a faith of “Jesus PLUS”.
Jesus + Energy work.
Jesus + Crystals.
Jesus + Affirmations.
Jesus + Yoga.
Jesus + Angels.
Jesus + Manifestation.
Jesus + Oracle cards.
Jesus + Enneagram.
I thought that I was just discovering deeper truth. I thought that these new age practices were a way for me to expand my relationship with God. But the problem is this: Satan will lure you with nine truths and then slip in one lie. Pretty soon, those lies start to pile up…there’s a reason why he’s called the ‘father of lies’.
It started innocently enough. With an energy work session recommended by a friend. I didn’t really even know what that meant at the time, but I had a new business and thought that it would be good to get some mindset coaching. We would talk about God and recite affirmations and she would tell me how my angels were helping me and learn what crystals to use for this or that. Scripture was recited as well, but out of context…and I began to view God in a new way. More like a magical being who could grant me my desires if I just “aligned” my thoughts with his. I could speak into creation whatever I wanted…with God’s help of course.
It was new to me.
And mystical.
Like I had found a secret.
And it felt…good.
But pretty soon, energy work led to oracle cards, which led to smudging the house with sage (fully believing it to purge darkness and evil from the house), which led to manifestation workshops, yoga retreats, and down and down the rabbit hole I went.
I started to feel more and more obsessed with learning more.
I spent tons of money on new age books and paraphernalia.
I went to trainings and seminars to be around the best new age teachers.
“New Age practices are similar to alcoholism, they are progressive and people crave more and more intensity. They may start out with something that seems innocent, but it always leads to darker experiences.” - Doreen Virtue
Little by little, I become desensitized to practices that used to alarm me. In the past I would have been freaked out by everything in that list above…because I have been a Jesus-loving Christian for as long as I can remember. Our family went to church multiple times a week. I was a counselor at Bible camp. I went to every Christian music festival. I never stopped following Jesus…but I did stop seeking Him.
When people who knew my love for Christ would question me about it…I would blow them off and tell them that it’s all light. It’s all truth.
But it wasn’t. It was SO far from the truth that we find in the Bible.
“If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.” 1 John 1:6
“You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons. You cannot partake of the table of the Lord and the table of demons.” 1 Cor 10:21
Darkness cannot co-exist with light. And yet…that’s the very thing I was trying to force every day. I thought that if I stuck to the “love and light” side of new age…and never worshipped a statue of Buddha, that I wasn’t truly doing any harm. But behind the love and light message is exactly where the darkness hides.
And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. 2 Cor 11:14
Eventually my Bible got dusty and instead, my oracle cards and crystals and sage were being used daily. Yoga took the place of my time in the word. Being “spiritual” instead of being committed to Christ became my new goal. My bookshelves were filled with more and more new age books…all with the same messages:
We are all one.
No one is going to hell.
There is no evil in the world.
There is more than one way to heaven.
There is no absolute truth.
God is within you.
You are like God.
As I was swept further and further away, one of the strange things that happened was that I never wanted to listen to worship music…I would tell Matt to turn it off in the car because it drove me crazy. He would look at me like I was crazy and then turn it off.
And then I would turn on secular music. Music that glorified self and the world and it’s evils. Funny enough, I’ve read accounts of other people who were deceived by the new age who have had a similar experience.
Thinking back on that is so weird to me, because now I can’t get enough worship music into my day. But back then, my kids could sing every word in step with Lizzo, and that fact still didn’t wake me up from this coma. I know there are many beautiful songs that aren’t created specifically for worship, but for me in that moment…it represented rebellion.
I was watching Netflix shows that glorified witchcraft and pagan practices. Everyone else was watching these shows too…so I never stopped to think whether that was grieving the heart of God. Our culture is filled to the brim with opportunities to choose sin. You don’t have to go far to have a buffet of options.
I personally didn’t have to go far at all…because I had started to choose friends who were pursuing the same things. These friends claimed to be “Christian”, so at the time it seemed ok. But looking back, those friends had neither a relationship with Christ, nor a true knowledge of what the Bible actually said.
I have always been a super happy and well-adjusted person…I handle difficulty well. I rarely have days that I feel “down”. BUT…during my time dabbling in all of this, I started to sense true darkness WITHIN. I just felt sad. And cynical. At one point…during a particularly challenging season of life, I had fleeting thoughts of “What would it be like if I was just gone?”. I had NEVER once in my life ever had a thought like that cross my mind. And to be clear, I was never even close to being suicidal or harming myself. What it felt like to me at the time was that someone or something “planted” that thought in my mind. It felt demonic and dark. I immediately prayed to Jesus to get these thoughts out…and they left.
I absolutely believe that because of what I had allowed in my life, a door of opportunity for demonic attack had been opened.
We were still going to church during this time…but we had transitioned to a church that preached a “new” gospel that aligned with progressive Christianity theology. Many attending questioned the Bible and what it truly said about lifestyle choices. They preached a faith that was based more on emotions and feeling good than on Biblical truths. And that led me into further confusion.
Around this same time, certain people started to “disappear” from my life. One after the other. Some quite dramatically and in strange ways. People I had relied upon for energy work and “guidance”. People I valued and loved dearly.
But those people had taken GOD’s place in my life.
Every day, I looked to these people instead of God. I sought their opinions and their wisdom instead of God’s word. And I may never know if it was God’s hand that removed them…but it sure seems likely.
Because as soon as they were gone, EVERYTHING changed.